Friday, April 13, 2012

Titillating Tales Of Edgeies and Eye-GPs

Once upon a time in a distant country called Bolehland (Can-do Land) where the currency was $Gumption and where everything was possible including especially the unsavoury, and the favourite national past-time was Wah!Yang! Ku-Leg! (shadow play), there lived important personages that went with the titles of Edgeies and Eye-GPs

The Eye-GPs were the chief police officers of the land whose chief task was to ensure that Bolehland's no-good creepy crawlies did not get to do their creepy and crawly things so that gumptious Bolehlandites could continue their heroic exploits of parachuting down their national pride, the Protan kar, in the cold, distant and desolate land called Antartikar.

The Edgeies were the land's principal law officers whose chief duty was to ensure that the multitudinous gumptious Bolehland laws and by-laws and bye-bye laws were observed and not trampled upon.

At that time in point of story, the man who ruled the country was the chief minister by the name of Maha or the Supreme. Some Bolehlandites called him the p-m and for want of creativity p-m it shall be.

This p-m had ties with another distant land called Karlala but he was not too proud of the connection so he would where wont it be, to emphasize his Bolehlandite credentials to his subjects and urge them to remember him as their hero.

This p-m was an ambitious man. He had grand 20/20 visions of making Bolehland into the world's pre-eminent nation and he also had the idea that Bolehland was a company - Bolehland Incorporated - with him as its CEO.

So, when he first assumed his position, the first thing he did was to steal time. He stole it not once but twice by "bringing" time forward by an hour altogether so that hard-pressed Bolehlandites could have more day-light hours to do their own boleh things.

Some say he was a megalomaniac with an ego as big as Jupiter but many fell under his spell and for them, he could do no wrong.

This p-m went about his task with a bolehland madness and soon he had the menarachakra kembar or the towers of the twins up and running, oops, standing, tall like twin phallic symbols that soon had the eyes of the world watching in envy.

No doubt the tower of the twins inspired copycats like the Bird in another distant land and the Tiepay Tower in yet another.

Soon, this p-m's reputation spread far and wide and in no time heads of republics of bananas looked to him as their chief speak-up man.

But this story is about Edgeies and Eye-GPs and the story must not digress.

Now back to the stream.

During the reign of the p-m, there was this Eye-GP who had the idea that perhaps he should have some first hand knowledge, being a gumptious Malaysian no doubt, of how the prison was run although prison and prisoners were not a concern of his as the Eye-GP.

So, one night he "stole" into a cell and apparently did not like what he saw, so he walloped the helpless detainee senseless and gave the hapless fellow an infamous black-eye.

But unfortunately for the Eye-GP, the hapless detainee was non other than the one-time deputy to the p-m who had fallen on hard times after he (the hapless detainee) had tried to second-guess his boss following the financial crisis of the time that made mince-meat of the five tigers of the east.

But, in the true spirit of Bolehland, instead of chiding the Eye-GP, the p-m came out to defend him by claiming that the hapless detainee was the one who was responsible for giving himself the infamous black eye!

However, AS LIFE WOULD HAVE IT AND AS IF TO MOCK THEM ALL, the infamous black-eye became a famous cause celebre and eventually even the symbol and emblem of a political party in Bolehland.

At the time of the p-m too, there was an Edgeie whose department was accused of disposing evidence by way of burning the pictures allegedly showing the hot liaisons between the then speak-up man of Bolehland's august house otherwise called Par-Lay-Men and several unidentified women.

Disposing evidence was of course an offence under Bolehland laws but that was a different matter. The Edgeie later became the commissar of Bolehland's Human Rites Body.

To cut a long story short, the p-m was eventually forced out of office amid, many say, much shedding of crocodile tears. The reins of power then passed over to a man Bolehlandites fondly called the Sleeping Beauty.

To further cut the story short (after all, this is the story of Edgeies and Eye-GPs and the story must not digress more than is necessary) the Sleepy Beauty himself was forced to give up his place to one Bolehlandites not so fondly call Flip Flop.

Between the Sleeping Beauty and Flip-Flop, there an Eye-GP of whom it was said had liaisons with the underworld. Now Bolehlandites were no busybodies. All they wanted was to be left alone to do their boleh business. But they were not too happy that their chief crime-buster who was supposed to protect them was himself alleged to have buddy relations with the taikos.

Then there was the Edgeie himself of whom it was said was selective in his prosecution and of whom it was said would not hesitate to fabricate evidence unlike the Edgeie of whom it was said had once been accused of destroying evidence.

Welcome to Bolehland and its titillating tales of Edgeies and Eye-GPs.

Welcome.

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